dear,

Life is a series of transitions. If I have learned anything this year which I personally think I’ve learned plenty, it’s that there are very few things in life that are certain. Loves leave, friends move away, family grows apart. Time passes and people change, it’s inevitable. In the case of relationships, it’s hard to accept when something you felt so sure about ends, especially if it’s unexpected and without your consent. Even long after you feel like you’re moving on from the individual you were involved with and based on my experience, you may never actually be completely over them, you still have to move on past the relationship. And in some cases, that can be much, much more difficult. The feeling of security. The thrill of being so in love. The happiness of knowing that there is one person in the world who you can confide anything in, and who you know more completely than anyone else in existence. Someone to hold on to when everything else changes around you. Until one day you realize you didn’t hold on tightly enough and they’ve changed too. How can you move on from that? I used to believe you should love without reservation because there will always be more love to give, but as I grapple with this question, I can’t help but feel that I’ve lost something in the process. I can’t help but feel that I don’t have as much to give to the next person I fall in love with. Can’t help but feel that I can’t love as completely as I did before I had ever been hurt. Can’t help but feel like at the very least, I will love more cautiously and open up to people more slowly in the future. Time helps with the healing process, but in the end I know that a lot of it depends on me. To have the courage to face the questions that now looms before me: Who am I without him? Who do I want to be? How do I get there? And how will I ever love again? I want to love recklessly. I want to get lost in someone and be completely wrapped up in everything they are. I want to be madly in love again. But I know that I won’t be able to do that until I sort through what’s going on inside my own head. As much as it hurts to admit, I know that as I am, I am not worthy of or ready for a love like that.  And so I realize that the most important thing I need to work on between now and the love that waits for me down the road is patience. Patience for me, as I imagine for most people, is very difficult. It’s something I’ve always struggled with, and I’ve honestly never really tried to work on it. But I know that it will take time before I stumble upon the love I’m hoping for, and I don’t want to feel like I’ve given away any more of myself before I find it. I want to be able to love that guy with reckless abandon, wholly and completely. Without any concern for guarding myself or putting up walls, without worrying about how badly I could get hurt. I want to love him without caution. And so until the day comes when I can love that way again, please wait patiently. It’s not easy but if you willing to wait, I know in the end, it will be worth every expectant breath you take.