Stay

And we thought 2012 was tough, half way into 2013, I stunt in realization of how difficult 2013 has been for us. Mostly to BIG. He lost his dad today, tears drop instantly after reading his text on the news. The only image in my mind was BIG devastating face. It was only 2 days ago I saw for the first time how helpless he was w tears running down his cheeks clinging into his sister's tiny fingers. I stood there w watery eyes stared at the two siblings. My Lord, only YOU knew exactly how heartbroken I felt at that moment. To be frank, I was never the emotional person, maybe I am but I always manage to hid it well enough and compose a cold surface emotionless. BIG cranked that part of me slowly, I feel things openly, I shed tears, I laugh hysterically, I smile widely, I hug as if I'm never letting go. I was worried to the core about BIG. I can't help myself but to think how can I ease his pain, how can I comfort him, how can I make it all right? How? I can't be there w him, I can't held his hands, I can't squeeze him tight in my hugs. I can't make my presence helpful enough for him. The only way to help was to stay put at my home, I grab my praying mat and pray. Recite Yassin for his dad and prayed for strength be given to his family to endure the recent lost. That's the only thing I did tonight for him. I leave the rest in the hands of Almighty Allah. HE knows best. BIG is among the strongest person I known aside from my mother. BIG went through a rough year in 2012. He went thru a lot. And today, he still manage to compose himself well enough to stay strong and to be the solid rock he is to his family to rely on. As he said yesterday "I'll be taking the lead from now." I was speechless. I knew things would most probably change. A tougher adulthood, more serious and rational. No longer a child's play. I lay awake thinking about it. Am I able to adapt? Am I ready to be w a man that have so many responsibilities on his shoulder? A man who's head of the house? My head spins and spins, imaging all the scenarios and circumstances. Then all the memories we had, all the things we endured to reach this point. BIG NEVER GIVES UP. From that onwards, I made a vow to myself, to never give up on BIG no matter what the circumstances are. I let him know the next morning how I feel towards him. He is my future. I made up my mind about him long time ago, only I didn't realize it. He is someone I wanna be w during the rain or storm or sunny day. I wanted to be part of his life regardless anything. I wanna marry that guy and be by his side and share the burdens he carries. I want to be the one who caress his forehead and touch his face to ease his pain. 

I love you so much that the reality of the world doesn't scared me to be w you.